The Merry Wives of Windsor — Act 1 Scene 1

Enter Iustice Shallow, Slender, Sir Hugh Euans, MasterPage, Falstoffe, Bardolph, Nym, Pistoll, Anne Page,Mistresse Ford, Mistresse Page, Simple.

Shallow.Ir Hugh, perswade me not: I will make a Star-Chamber matter of it, if hee were twenty SirIohn Falstoffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow Esquire.

Slen.In the County of Glocester, Iustice of Peace and Coram.

Shal.I (Cosen Slender) and Cust-alorum.

Slen.I, and Rato lorum too; and a Gentleman borne(Master Parson) who writes himselfe Armigero, in anyBill, Warrant, Quittance, or Obligation, Armigero.

Shal.I that I doe, and haue done any time these threehundred yeeres.

Slen.All his successors (gone before him) hath don't:and all his Ancestors (that come after him) may: theymay giue the dozen white Luces in their Coate.

Shal.It is an olde Coate.

Euans.The dozen white Lowses doe become an oldCoat well: it agrees well passant: It is a familiar beast toman, and signifies Loue.

Shal.The Luse is the fresh-fish, the salt-fish, is an old Coate.

Slen.I may quarter (Coz).

Shal.You may, by marrying.

Euans.It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

Shal.Not a whit.

Euan.Yes per-lady: if he ha's a quarter of your coat,there is but three Skirts for your selfe, in my simpleconiectures; but that is all one: if Sir Iohn Falstaffe hauecommitted disparagements vnto you, I am of the Churchand will be glad to do my beneuolence, to make attonementsand compremises betweene you.

Shal.The Councell shall heare it, it is a Riot.

Euan.It is not meet the Councell heare a Riot: thereis no feare of Got in a Riot: The Councell (looke you)shall desire to heare the feare of Got, and not to heare aRiot: take your viza-ments in that.

Shal.Ha; o'my life, if I were yong againe, the swordshould end it.

Euans.It is perter that friends is the sword, and endit: and there is also another deuice in my praine, whichperaduenture prings goot discretions with it. There isAnne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page,which is pretty virginity.

Slen.Mistris Anne Page? she has browne haire, andspeakes small like a woman.

Euans.It is that ferry person for all the orld, as iust asyou will desire, and seuen hundred pounds of Moneyes,and Gold, and Siluer, is her Grand-sire vpon his deaths-bed,(Got deliuer to a ioyfull resurrections) giue, whenshe is able to ouertake seuenteene yeeres old. It were agoot motion, if we leaue our pribbles and prabbles, anddesire a marriage betweene Master Abraham, and MistrisAnne Page.

Slen.Did her Grand-sire leaue her seauen hundred pound?

Euan.I, and her father is make her a petter penny.

Slen.I know the young Gentlewoman, she has good gifts.

Euan.Seuen hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.

Shal.Wel, let vs see honest M Page: is Falstaffe there?

Euan.Shall I tell you a lye? I doe despise a lyer, as Idoe despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is nottrue: the Knight Sir Iohn is there, and I beseech you beruled by your well-willers: I will peat the doore for M.Page. What hoa? Got-plesse your house heere.

M.Page.Who's there?

Euan.Here is go't's plessing and your friend, and IusticeShallow, and heere yong Master Slender: that peraduenturesshall tell you another tale, if matters grow toyour likings.

M.Page.I am glad to see your Worships well: Ithanke you for my Venison Master Shallow.

Shal.Master Page, I am glad to see you: much gooddoe it your good heart: I wish'd your Venison better, itwas ill killd: how doth good Mistresse Page? and I thankyou alwaies with my heart, la: with my heart.

M.Page.Sir, I thanke you.

Shal.Sir, I thanke you: by yea, and no I doe.

M.Pa.I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

Slen.How do's your fallow Greyhound, Sir, I heardsay he was out-run on Cotsall.

M.Pa.It could not be iudg'd, Sir.

Slen.You'll not confesse: you'll not confesse.

Shal.That he will not, 'tis your fault, 'tis your fault:'tis a good dogge.

M.Pa.A Cur, Sir.

Shal.Sir: hee's a good dog, and a faire dog, can there be moresaid? he is good, and faire. Is Sir Iohn Falstaffe heere?

M.Pa.Sir, hee is within: and I would I could doe agood office betweene you.

Euan.It is spoke as a Christians ought to speake.

Shal.He hath wrong'd me (Master Page.)

M.Pa.Sir, he doth in some sort confesse it.

Shal.If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not thatso (M. Page?) he hath wrong'd me, indeed he hath, at aword he hath: beleeue me, Robert Shallow Esquire, saithhe is wronged.

Ma.Pa. Here comes Sir Iohn.

Fal.Now, Master Shallow, you'll complaine of me to the King?

Shal.Knight, you haue beaten my men, kill'dmy deere, and broke open my Lodge.

Fal.But not kiss'd your Keepers daughter?

Shal.Tut, a pin: this shall be answer'd.

Fal.I will answere it strait, I haue done all this:That is now answer'd.

Shal.The Councell shall know this.

Fal.'Twere better for you if it were known in councell:you'll be laugh'd at.

Eu.Pauca verba; (Sir Iohn) good worts.

Fal.Good worts? good Cabidge; Slender, I brokeyour head: what matter haue you against me?

Slen.Marry sir, I haue matter in my head against you,and against your cony-catching Rascalls, Bardolf, Nym,and Pistoll.

Bar.You Banbery Cheese.

Slen.I, it is no matter.

Pist.How now, Mephostophilus?

Slen.I, it is no matter.

Nym.Slice, I say; pauca, pauca: Slice, that's my humor.

Slen.Where's Simple my man? can you tell, Cosen?

Eua.Peace, I pray you: now let vs vnderstand: thereis three Vmpires in this matter, as I vnderstand; that is,Master Page (fidelicet Master Page,) & there is my selfe,(fidelicet my selfe) and the three party is (lastly, and finally)mine Host of the Garter.

Ma.Pa.We three to hear it, & end it between them.

Euan.Ferry goo't, I will make a priefe of it in mynote-booke, and we wil afterwards orke vpon the cause,with as great discreetly as we can.

Fal.Pistoll.

Pist.He heares with eares.

Euan.The Teuill and his Tam: what phrase is this?he heares with eare? why, it is affectations.

Fal.Pistoll, did you picke M[aster]. Slenders purse?

Slen.I, by these gloues did hee, or I would I mightneuer come in mine owne great chamber againe else, ofseauen groates in mill-sixpences, and two EdwardShouelboords, that cost me two shilling and two pence apeece of Yead Miller: by these gloues.

Fal.Is this true, Pistoll?

Euan.No, it is false, if it is a picke-purse.

Pist.Ha, thou mountaine Forreyner: Sir Iohn, andMaster mine, I combat challenge of this Latine Bilboe:word of deniall in thy labras here; word of denial; froth,and scum thou liest.

Slen.By these gloues, then 'twas he.

Nym.Be auis'd sir, and passe good humours: I willsay marry trap with you, if you runne the nut-hooks humoron me, that is the very note of it.

Slen.By this hat, then he in the red face had it: forthough I cannot remember what I did when you mademe drunke, yet I am not altogether an asse.

Fal.What say you Scarlet, and Iohn?

Bar.Why sir, (for my part) I say the Gentleman haddrunke himselfe out of his fiue sentences.

Eu.It is his fiue sences: fie, what the ignorance is.

Bar.And being fap, sir, was (as they say) casheerd: andso conclusions past the Car-eires.

Slen.I, you spake in Latten then to: but 'tis no matter;Ile nere be drunk whilst I liue againe, but in honest,ciuill, godly company for this tricke: if I be drunke, Ilebe drunke with those that haue the feare of God, and notwith drunken knaues.

Euan.So got-udge me, that is a vertuous minde.

Fal.You heare all these matters deni'd, Gentlemen; you heare it.

M.Page.Nay daughter, carry the wine in, wee'll drinke within.

Slen.Oh heauen: This is Mistresse Anne Page.

M.Page.How now Mistris Ford?

Fal.Mistris Ford, by my troth you are very wel met:by your leaue good Mistris.

M.Page.Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome: come,we haue a hot Venison pasty to dinner; Come gentlemen,I hope we shall drinke downe all vnkindnesse.

Slen.I had rather then forty shillings I had my bookeof Songs and Sonnets heere: How now Simple, wherehaue you beene? I must wait on my selfe, must I? youhaue not the booke of Riddles about you, haue you?

Sim.Booke of Riddles? why did you not lend it toAlice Short-cake vpon Alhallowmas last, a fortnightafore Michaelmas.

Eu.Come Coz, come Coz, we stay for you: a wordwith you Coz: marry this, Coz: there is as 'twere a tender,a kinde of tender, made a farre-off by Sir Hugh here:doe you vnderstand me?

Slen.I Sir, you shall finde me reasonable; if it be so,I shall doe that that is reason.

Eu.Nay, but vnderstand me.

Slen.So I doe Sir.

Euan.Giue eare to his motions; (M. Slender) I willdescription the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.

Slen.Nay, I will doe as my Cozen Shallow saies: Ipray you pardon me, he's a Iustice of Peace in his Countrie,simple though I stand here.

Euan.But that is not the question: the question isconcerning your marriage.

Shal.I, there's the point Sir.

Eu.Marry is it: the very point of it, to Mi. An Page.

Slen.Why if it be so; I will marry her vpon anyreasonable demands.

Eu.But can you affection the 'o-man, let vs commandto know that of your mouth, or of your lips: for diuersPhilosophers hold, that the lips is parcell of the mouth:therfore precisely, cã you carry your good wil to y maid?

Sh.Cosen Abraham Slender, can you loue her?

Slen.I hope sir, I will do as it shall become one thatwould doe reason.

Eu.Nay, got's Lords, and his Ladies, you must speakepossitable, if you can carry-her your desires towards her.

Shal.That you must:Will you, (vpon good dowry) marry her?

Slen.I will doe a greater thing then that, vpon yourrequest (Cosen) in any reason.

Shal.Nay conceiue me, conceiue mee, (sweet Coz):What I doe is to pleasure you (Coz:) can you loue the maid?

Slen.I will marry her (Sir) at your request; but ifthere bee no great loue in the beginning, yet Heauenmay decrease it vpon better acquaintance, when weeare married, and haue more occasion to know one another:I hope vpon familiarity will grow more content:but if you say mary-her, I will mary-her, that I am freelydissolued, and dissolutely.

Eu.It is a fery discretion-answere; saue the fall is inthe 'ord, dissolutely: the ort is (according to our meaning)resolutely: his meaning is good.

Sh.I: I thinke my Cosen meant well.

Sl.I, or else I would I might be hang'd (la.)

Sh.Here comes faire Mistris Anne; would I wereyong for your sake, Mistris Anne.

An.The dinner is on the Table, my Father desiresyour worships company.

Sh.I will wait on him, (faire Mistris Anne.)

Eu.Od's plessed-wil: I wil not be absēce at the grace.

An.Wil't please your worship to come in, Sir?

Sl. No, I thank you forsooth, hartely; I am very well.

An.The dinner attends you, Sir.

Sl.I am not a-hungry, I thanke you, forsooth: goe,Sirha, for all you are my man, goe wait vpon my CosenShallow: a Iustice of peace sometime may be beholdingto his friend, for a Man; I keepe but three Men, and aBoy yet, till my Mother be dead: but what though, yetI liue like a poore Gentleman borne.

An.I may not goe in without your worship: theywill not sit till you come.

Sl.I' faith, ile eate nothing: I thanke you as much asthough I did.

An.I pray you Sir walke in.

Sl.I had rather walke here (I thanke you) I bruiz'dmy shin th' other day, with playing at Sword and Daggerwith a Master of Fence (three veneys for a dish ofstew'd Prunes) and by my troth, I cannot abide the smellof hot meate since. Why doe your dogs barke so? bethere Beares ith' Towne?

An.I thinke there are, Sir, I heard them talk'd of.

Sl.I loue the sport well, but I shall as soone quarrellat it, as any man in England: you are afraid if you see theBeare loose, are you not?

An.I indeede Sir.

Sl.That's meate and drinke to me now: I haue seeneSaskerson loose, twenty times, and haue taken him by theChaine: but (I warrant you) the women haue so crideand shrekt at it, that it past: But women indeede, cannotabide 'em, they are very ill-fauour'd rough things.

Ma.Pa.Come, gentle M. Slender, come; we stay for you.

Sl.Ile eate nothing, I thanke you Sir.

Ma.Pa.By cocke and pie, you shall not choose, Sir: come, come.

Sl.Nay, pray you lead the way.

Ma.Pa.Come on, Sir.

Sl.Mistris Anne: your selfe shall goe first.

An.Not I Sir, pray you keepe on.

Sl.Truely I will not goe first: truely-la: I will notdoe you that wrong.

An.I pray you Sir.

Sl.Ile rather be vnmannerly, then troublesome: youExeunt.doe your selfe wrong indeede-la.