The Second Part of King Henry the Fourth — Act 2 Scene 1

Enter Hostesse, with two Officers, Fang, and Snare.

Hostesse.Mr. Fang, haue you entred the Action?

Fang.It is enter'd.

Hostesse.Wher's your Yeoman? Is it a lusty yeoman?Will he stand to it?

Fang.Sirrah, where's Snare?

Hostesse.I, I, good M. Snare.

Snare.Heere, heere.

Fang.Snare, we must Arrest Sir Iohn Falstaffe.

Host.I good M. Snare, I haue enter'd him, and all.

Sn.It may chance cost some of vs our liues: he wil stab

Hostesse.Alas the day: take heed of him: he stabd mein mine owne house, and that most beastly: he cares notwhat mischeefe he doth, if his weapon be out. Hee willfoyne like any diuell, he will spare neither man, woman,nor childe.

Fang.If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.

Hostesse.No, nor I neither: Ile be at your elbow.

Fang.If I but fist him once: if he come but within my Vice.

Host.I am vndone with his going: I warrant he is aninfinitiue thing vpon my score. Good M. Fang hold himsure: good M. Snare let him not scape, he comes continuantlyto Py-Corner (sauing your manhoods) to buy a saddle,and hee is indited to dinner to the Lubbars head inLombard street, to M. Smoothes the Silkman. I pra' ye, sincemy Exion is enter'd, and my Case so openly known to theworld, let him be brought in to his answer: A 100. Markeis a long one, for a poore lone woman to beare: & I haueborne, and borne, and borne, and haue bin fub'd off, andfub'd-off, from this day to that day, that it is a shameto be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing, vnlesa woman should be made an Asse and a Beast, to beare eueryKnaues wrong.Enter Falstaffe and Bardolfe.Yonder he comes, and that arrant Malmesey-Nose Bardolfewith him. Do your Offices, do your offices: M. Fang,& M. Snare, do me, do me, do me your Offices.

Fal.How now? whose Mare's dead? what's the matter?

Fang.Sir Iohn, I arrest you, at the suit of Mist. Quickly.

Falst.Away Varlets, draw Bardolfe: Cut me off theVillaines head: throw the Queane in the Channel.

Host.Throw me in the channell? Ile throw thee there.Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue. Murder, murder,O thou Hony-suckle villaine, wilt thou kill Gods officers,and the Kings? O thou hony-seed Rogue, thou arta honyseed, a Man-queller, and a woman-queller.

Falst.Keep them off, Bardolfe.

Fang.A rescu, a rescu.

Host.Good people bring a rescu. Thou wilt not? thouwilt not? Do, do thou Rogue: Do thou Hempseed.

Page.Away you Scullion, you Rampallian, you Fustillirian:Ile tucke your Catastrophe.

Enter Ch. Iustice.

Iust.What's the matter? Keepe the Peace here, hoa.

Host.Good my Lord be good to mee. I beseech you stand to me.

Ch.Iust.How now sir Iohn? What are you brauling here?Doth this become your place, your time, and businesse?You should haue bene well on your way to Yorke.Stand from him Fellow; wherefore hang'st vpon him?

Host.Oh my most worshipfull Lord, and't please yourGrace, I am a poore widdow of Eastcheap, and he is arrestedat my suit.

Ch.Iust.For what summe?

Host.It is more then for some (my Lord) it is for all: allI haue, he hath eaten me out of house and home; hee hathput all my substance into that fat belly of his: but I willhaue some of it out againe, or I will ride thee o' Nights,like the Mare.

Falst.I thinke I am as like to ride the Mare, if I haueany vantage of ground, to get vp.

Ch.Iust.How comes this, Sir Iohn? Fy, what a man ofgood temper would endure this tempest of exclamation?Are you not asham'd to inforce a poore Widdowe to sorough a course, to come by her owne?

Falst.What is the grosse summe that I owe thee?

Host.Marry (if thou wer't an honest man) thy selfe, &the mony too. Thou didst sweare to mee vpon a parcellgilt Goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber at the roundtable, by a sea-cole fire, on Wednesday in Whitson week,when the Prince broke thy head for lik'ning him to a singingman of Windsor; Thou didst sweare to me then (as Iwas washing thy wound) to marry me, and make mee myLady thy wife. Canst yͧ deny it? Did not goodwife Keechthe Butchers wife come in then, and cal me gossip Quickly?comming in to borrow a messe of Vinegar: telling vs,she had a good dish of Prawnes: whereby thou didst desire toeat some: whereby I told thee they were ill for a greenewound? And didst not thou (when she was gone downestaires) desire me to be no more familiar with such poorepeople, saying, that ere long they should call me Madam?And did'st yͧ not kisse me, and bid mee fetch thee 30.s? Iput thee now to thy Book-oath, deny it if thou canst?

Fal.My Lord, this is a poore mad soule: and she sayesvp & downe the town, that her eldest son is like you. Shehath bin in good case, & the truth is, pouerty hath distractedher: but for these foolish Officers, I beseech you, Imay haue redresse against them.

Iust.Sir Iohn, sir Iohn, I am well acquainted with yourmaner of wrenching the true cause, the false way. It is nota confident brow, nor the throng of wordes, that comewith such (more then impudent) sawcines from you, canthrust me from a leuell consideration, I know you ha' practis'dvpon the easie-yeelding spirit of this woman.

Host.Yes in troth my Lord.

Iust.Prethee peace: pay her the debt you owe her, andvnpay the villany you haue done her: the one you may dowith sterling mony, & the other with currant repentance.

Fal.My Lord, I will not vndergo this sneape withoutreply. You call honorable Boldnes, impudent Sawcinesse:If a man wil curt'sie, and say nothing, he is vertuous: No,my Lord (your humble duty reme[m]bred) I will not be yoursutor. I say to you, I desire deliu'rance from these Officersbeing vpon hasty employment in the Kings Affaires.

Iust.You speake, as hauing power to do wrong: Butanswer in the effect of your Reputation, and satisfie thepoore woman.

Falst.Come hither Hostesse.

Enter M. Gower

Ch.Iust.Now Master Gower; What newes?

Gow.The King (my Lord) and Henrie Prince of WalesAre neere at hand: The rest the Paper telles.

Falst.As I am a Gentleman.

Host.Nay, you said so before.

Fal.As I am a Gentleman. Come, no more words of it

Host.By this Heauenly ground I tread on, I must befaine to pawne both my Plate, and the Tapistry of mydyning Chambers.

Fal.Glasses, glasses, is the onely drinking: and forthy walles a pretty slight Drollery, or the Storie of theProdigall, or the Germane hunting in Waterworke, isworth a thousand of these Bed-hangings, and these Fly-bittenTapistries. Let it be tenne pound (if thou canst.)Come, if it were not for thy humors, there is not a betterWench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw thyAction: Come, thou must not bee in this humour withme, come, I know thou was't set on to this.

Host.Prethee (Sir Iohn) let it be but twenty Nobles,I loath to pawne my Plate, in good earnest la.

Fal.Let it alone, Ile make other shift: you'l be a fool still.

Host.Well, you shall haue it although I pawne my Gowne.I hope you'l come to Supper: You'l pay me altogether?

Fal.Will I liue? Go with her, with her: hooke-on, hooke-on.

Host.Will you haue Doll Teare-sheet meet you at supper?

Fal.No more words. Let's haue her.

Ch.Iust.I haue heard bitter newes.

Fal.What's the newes (my good Lord?)

Ch.Iu.Where lay the King last night?

Mes.At Basingstoke my Lord.

Fal.I hope (my Lord) all's well. What is the newes my Lord?

Ch.Iust.Come all his Forces backe?

Mes.No: Fifteene hundred Foot, fiue hundred HorseAre march'd vp to my Lord of Lancaster,Against Northumberland, and the Archbishop.

Fal.Comes the King backe from Wales, my noble L?

Ch.Iust.You shall haue Letters of me presently.Come, go along with me, good M. Gowre.

Fal.My Lord.

Ch.Iust.What's the matter?

Fal.Master Gowre, shall I entreate you with mee to dinner?

Gow.I must waite vpon my good Lord heere.I thanke you, good Sir Iohn.

Ch.Iust.Sir Iohn, you loyter heere too long being youare to take Souldiers vp, in Countries as you go.

Fal.Will you sup with me, Master Gowre?

Ch.Iust.What foolish Master taught you these manners, Sir Iohn?

Fal.Master Gower, if they become mee not, hee was aFoole that taught them mee. This is the right Fencinggrace (my Lord) tap for tap, and so part faire.

Ch.Iust.Exeunt.Now the Lord lighten thee, thou art a great Foole.